As Big As Big Is

This year for Christmas, I went to Virginia to spend ten days with my parents.  My cats, on the other hand, stayed home and spent the holidays with each other.  I had a couple of people checking on them, so they were fine on food and water, yet they just couldn’t help letting me know that they were angry with me being gone for such a long period.  On the night before I returned, they pissed on my bed.  Let me tell you, if you’ve never had a cat piss on your bed, it sucks.  

This wasn’t any bed, either.  It was a pillow top.  Meaning that in no way am I able to just flip the bed over and pretend nothing happened.  I spent the day I returned home scouring the internet with ways to remove cat piss from a bed.  I tried many different methods, but alas, the smell is not completely gone.  The comforter was destroyed, as were the sheets.  But at least I got the stain out, right?  Small victory in this war.

Yet, as I was trying to clean this mess, I was thinking of ways for me to get back at them.  What could I do to just royally piss them off?  Making a cat angry is pretty easy: rub their belly and they all of a sudden become little hulks.  I had to find something better than merely making them angry.  I had to find a way to make them suffer for making me inhale their putrid fumes all day.

I thought about taking a dump in their litter box, so that they would be confused, and hopefully scared, wondering what kind of animal dropped a humongous turd into their litter box.  Thinking about watching them walk slink around looking for this monster poop taking animal made me chuckle to myself.  I once saw a blog where a guy changed everything around; put water in their litter box, litter in their water bowl, and toy T-Rex in the food bowl.  The cat ended up just taking a piss on the floor next to litter; I guess he showed him for messing with his stuff!  I was worried that if I did something similar, my cats would next take a shit on my pillow, and I’d rather not have that happen.

So what could I do?  I thought about shaving my cat into a lion, like so many of my friends have been attempting to convince me for years into doing.  Maybe I could put them in the cat carrier and drive around for an hour (they hate the cat carrier and think the car is just a pre-game to the vet’s office).  Maybe I could tease them with treats but never give them any.  I could always put funny hats on them and duct tape them so they can’t get them off and have to walk around with a pumpkin hat or a chicken hat on all day.  Or maybe…maybe I can go clean up their throw up, as they just threw up in front of me.  I guess they showed me.  Assholes.